A twisted hope

Sometimes I wonder if I can just start my life over from scratch.

There are so many times that I find myself wondering what the heck I'm really doing with my life, am I really happy doing what I'm doing, am I even the person I want to be? I envy the people whose lives seem so fluid and versatile, as though they can just change their path in a heartbeat and follow their dreams. Maybe it's just a phase, or a case of "the grass is always greener on the other side" but I often feel this way.

It may sound somewhat strange but I have this weird belief that gives me hope. I don't really believe in reincarnation per se, but I have this image of one collective consciousness. Like sometimes I sit and think how odd it is that everyone else thinks the same way that I do, in the sense that everyone thinks in the context of "I". I watch other people and they are just that to me: other people. But each of those other people has a consciousness and feelings, and it makes me feel like there are clones of me walking all over the place. But it also makes me feel that one day when I eventually die, there are many other consciousnesses, many other "I"s, and thus many other opportunities for me to experience what I missed out on in this consciousness.

In the end, it just sounds like a twisted version of reincarnation, doesn't it?

Except that it's not like the current me dies and another is reborn but more like all of the "me"s are co-existing and somehow, someway, on some higher level I'm accessing their lives and experiences and personalities even if the current me cannot.

Yeah, I know, it doesn't make a whole lot of logical sense in my own mind either.

Listening to right now: hide - Inside the Pervert Mound